Merchandising   19 comments

They’re making an action figure of you. Describe the toy and accessories. (Do you have a catch phrase? Favorite items, clothes, hair style?)

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Politically Incorrect

I’d be so pleased if someone wanted to make an action figure of one of my characters, but I hadn’t really thought about one of myself. I’m a novelist. I do engage in activity, but I’m pretty boring.

But here we go ….

I doubt store would be willing to carry an action figure of me because my life is noncompliant with the established hegemony of the day. But here goes.

Small toy (I’m short) with long, dark, curly hair, usually in a braid down my back or tied in a top knot. Blue eyes. Hiking boots, rip-stop nylon pants, leather gloves.

Accessories?

This is where the stores would have objections. At my most active, I’m hiking an Alaska trail into real wilderness where large carnivores think humans look tasty. There are 100,000 black bears in Alaska and about 30,000 grizzly bears. About a dozen people a year are mauled every year here. So, my number one accessories are a 357-cal revolver and a 12-gauge shotgun. They’re absolutely necessary to stay safe in Alaska, but I can just imagine how hard it would be to convince merchandisers that those items need to be part of my action figure.

Merchandiser: Why not bear spray instead?

Me: Because bear spray doesn’t work. I don’t want a pissed-off bear who sneezed between taking chunks out of my body.

Merchandiser: But parents will object.

Me: Maybe this whole action figure idea isn’t going to work out.

What’s My Catch phrase?

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a libertarian who believes in individual liberty and little archaic concepts like privacy and self-determination. My catch phrase shouldn’t surprise anyone who has followed me for a while.

“Nothing to hide, but a lot I don’t want you to see.”

19 responses to “Merchandising

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  1. I have a manual of Seamanship from 1962. It advises a man who has fallen overboard to strike a persistent shark on the nose to discourage it.

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    • I have a friend who ran a diveboat in the Caribbean for about 15 years and Jamey swears that works — with smaller sharks. If they’re larger — well, his advise is a bit profane.

      Black bears will back off if you whack them on the nose — assuming you’ve got time for that as they charge you sideways like a cat attacking a dog. But grizzlies aren’t intimidated by much beyond a wolfpack or a gun … or my husband held one off with a chainsaw. As long as he kept it revved up, the grizz stayed back, but the thing started cutting out, so Brad climbed onto a 90-year-old 48-inch water pipeline that crosses the creek next to our cabin property, walked to the middle of the creek and watched the grizz try to figure that out for several hours. It ran away when I showed up…with a gun.

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  2. Didn’t GI Joe and his companions have big guns? Why not you?

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    • That’s true, although I kind of wonder if GI Joe is allowed his sidearms these days.

      I think a grizzly bear would be a nice accessories. Last summer was our first in many years of going hiking without a dog to alert us of what they can smell and hear that we can’t. It was a little creepy going into deep brush.

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  3. Interesting about the guns in Alaska. When we go on game drives, the ranger also has a gun. You don’t want to be unprotected if an elephant in musk should happen to charge because some other tourist does something silly [although they are told what not to do].

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    • Yeah, bull moose in rut are pretty aggressive too. You just encounter the cows with calves more often. And, bears — well, they’re all aggessive and we have a fair number of maulings every year.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It makes sense to carry a gun in your area. All game rangers carry guns.

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      • I get my followers on Facebook telling me I don’t need a gun — just carry bear spray. A friend of ours thought that until he met a bear on a trail a few years ago. He’d been enjoying the woods for 30 years without a gun and his bear spray seemed fine until the moment he deployed it. The bear spray angered the bear. Fortunately for Jon, he’s a retired Olympic skier and still in great shape. He says he’s never run so fast in his life to get to a tree he could climb. The bear shook the tree and walked around the base for hours. After the bear left, Jon couldn’t talk himself into climbing down. Grizzlies are known for their revenge attacks. Eventually, he climbed high enough to get cell service, called his brother, who came with a gun to rescue him. Jon bought a sidearm the next day. He says the closest he gets to the woods without carrying it now is his backyard.

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      • I would not go into a game park without a gun either. Wild animals can be very dangerous, although obviously, we would avoid using it unless absolutely necessary.

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      • Yeah. No desire to kill an animal who isn’t endangering our safety — or isn’t on a menu. Alaskans eat a game meat, mostly harvested during a one-month period in September.

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  4. PS, I am having trouble verifying my email for the link party. If I can’t fix it today, I’ll post my link here. No idea what’s gone wrong SIGH!

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  5. Have you every needed to use your revolver or shotgun?

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    • Yes. Once a moose ran into a fish camp where several families were gathered – little children, etc. She ignored people yelling and waving their arms at her, so I fired a shot over her head and she decided to veer back into the woods. Moose have been known to stomp people when they get too close.

      Not me, but one of the kids fired the shotgun toward a bear once. The bear was not anywhere close enough to be a threat, but teaching bears that humans are dangerous is a good thing. He’s a regular on our cabin site and he keeps his distance because he fears the big bang.

      I also interfered in a drug-crazed neighbor beating his wife on the front lawn. I didn’t draw the gun. I just made sure he could see it in my shoulder holster. 5’1″ 115 pound woman seemed a little scary to 6-foot-plus man and he let me take his wife out of his grasp. Researchers say what I did happens between 1-2 million times a year in the US – people who don’t shoot anyone, but use a firearm to prevent a violent crime. It’s called defensive gun use.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I love your catch phrase, just perfect! A great response to the prompt too.

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  7. You know guns are guns and not a point of political correctness unless you wake up every day thinking about killing something. My dad and grampa handed me a shotgun when I was 6 years old. I was sitting on a log, they told me to sight on the old empty cans and pull the trigger. BOOM. Next thing I knew I was on my back looking at the sky. The merchandisers shouldn’t have much trouble with either of your guns. But then I live in texas – Check this out https://philh52.files.wordpress.com/2017/02/pink-shotgun1.jpg

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    • Yeah, nobody has an issue with my guns in Alaska. But I do get occasional comments — “Why does Shane (primary character in Transformation Project) always have to take a gun with him?” My answer is “Because he’s living through the Apocalypse and I’d like him to make it to near the end of the series.”

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